


Things Are Different

by quantumoddity



Series: After the Story and The Song [5]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Babies being cute fixes everything, Comfort, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Parenthood, Post-Canon, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-06-01 11:42:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15142325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quantumoddity/pseuds/quantumoddity
Summary: Taako still has a lot of things to unpack after the life he's lead





	Things Are Different

Static. Everywhere was static.

It roared and snarled with a volume and ferocity too much for him to handle, that seemed to crack him open and crawl inside and set all his nerves jangling. He tried to shout for help but the was no way he could be heard over the noise. He tried to grab for his ears, to try and cover them but when he reached up, there was nothing there. And then the hands he grasped with weren’t there either, the arms they were attached to, the mouth he was screaming with.

He was nowhere. He was lost. He was nothing.

_Where was his sister?_

 

Taako was still screaming when he jerked awake, finding himself twisted in sweat sodden sheets, panting raggedly and yet still unable to take in any air. He whispered Lup’s name against the pillow, voice cracking and making him aware of the dull pain in his throat. It was the pain that made him realise he was awake, long after his eyes opened and his brain fired up.

Dreams couldn’t really hurt him. Taako had spent years telling himself that, often through tears. Moaning it over and over in the darkness or the sickly light of a new dawn, until it became a mantra, something to cling to.

The hand on his shoulder startled him so badly that he lashed out, hand flailing desperately, a curse on his badly bitten lips that he never managed to get out before another hand caught his wrist.

“Taako!” Kravitz cried, “It’s me, darling, it’s me, you’re okay…”

Taako blinked, his eyes burning, now realising that his husband was in the bed next to him. He could just about see the line of his face in the darkness, where the shadows gathered in the sharp angles of his jaw and his nose and his eyebrows, upturned in worry and fear and…pity.

Taako snatched his hand back with such force that the reaper couldn’t keep hold of it even if he’d tried. He curled it against his chest, realising he was still crying, shoulders shaking and bucking as if by random electric shocks, beyond his control.

That was always what Taako despised most about letting go of himself like this. He hated not being in control.

“My dearest, it was only a bad dream,” Kravitz’s voice tried to be soothing but still, there was an edge of panic to it. It was rare for the reaper to be so shaken, “It’s gone now, you’re safe here with me. Here…”

He made to wrap his arms around Taako, to fold him into an embrace that he knew would be just the right amount of cool, would be strong and firm and make him feel safe, as if nothing in the world could hurt him when he was in those arms. Part of Taako ached for it so much that it was an ache, a real one in his back teeth and the base of his neck.

The rest of him didn’t.

“No,” he gasped quietly, voice still sore and small, very different from his usual voice, so much so that he didn’t recognise it. Not that he wanted to, he hated the idea that he could sound so scared and vulnerable.

Kravitz froze, the edges of his mouth pulling down a little, “I…”

“I can’t,” Taako sobbed, scrambling further away until one of his long legs reached the edge of the bed, expecting purchase when there was none and leaving him stumbling, “I’m sorry, I just can’t right now. Please don’t touch me.”

Kravitz hid the hurt in his expression as quickly as he could but it wasn’t quite fast enough, “I won’t, Taako. It’s okay. Whatever…whatever you need, it’s fine. Just…please know I’m here for you.”

Taako managed a shaky nod, before retracting in on himself, pulling his knees to his chest, head between them. He heard Kravitz get up from the bed, move around the room on his soft, precise steps, but he didn’t look up. He couldn’t see that expression again; hurt, pity, fear marring his husband’s usually calm, controlled expression. He’d seen it before whenever he let people get close to him, usually around the time they’d always realise he was difficult to handle. And then they’d leave.

He tried to tell himself that Kravitz would be different, it wasn’t like any of the other one night stands or casual hook ups who’d gradually stopped picking up his calls after they’d seen him at his worst had ever put a ring on his finger. Kravitz knew what he’d been through. He knew who he was.

Taako just didn’t know how much of this either of them would be willing to take.

 

When he felt more like himself again, when the shaking had leeched down to just his hands and the crying had dried up and left his eyes burning and red, Taako was still alone in the darkened room.

Expect now there was a glass of water on the dresser just beside him, the softest blanket they had and were forever bickering over folded neatly at the foot of the bed, a small plate with three of the strawberries he’d brought home from the market yesterday resting on it. Taako picked one of them up by the stem, turning it in his fingers and sighing softly. He could imagine Kravitz spending far longer than he needed to selecting the biggest, reddest, most perfectly shaped ones from the punnet, just for him. They were a poor substitute for being able to hold your husband, Taako knew, but as he bit into it he could feel the tightness in his chest let go, just a little, and the stinging in his eyes fade a tiny bit.

Kravitz found so many ways to tell him he loved him.

Taako stood up, taking the blanket and wrapping it around his shoulders like a cape, padding off to find his husband.

 

He was in Luka’s nursery, the next room down from theirs so Taako’s search didn’t last particularly long.

“Hey…” he croaked, awkwardly, making Kravitz look up from where he was cradling their little daughter in the rocking chair Magnus had presented them with a scarily short time after they’d actually gotten a daughter, almost as if he’d known something.

Kravitz gave him a tender smile, eyes gentler than Taako had dared hope for, “Hello, dear.”

“I didn’t hear her wake up…” Taako frowned, perching himself on the arm of the chair, reaching out a finger to brush their daughter’s cheek gently. He got a soft, sleepy cheep in response and an attempt to catch his finger in her mouth, making him grin in spite of everything.

Kravitz cleared his throat, suddenly looking a little abashed, “Well, she…she didn’t wake up exactly…”

Taako found himself somehow grinning wider. He’d never smiled so much so quickly after a panic attack.

“You’re pretty damn adorable, y’know?” he pressed a kiss to Kravitz’s cheek.

“I’ve been told,” he smiles softly, “How are you feeling, my darling?”

Taako’s automatic answer, a casual joke or spry comment to hide everything else behind a mask of a much easier emotion, didn’t make it past his lips. Instead he rested his head against Kravitz’s, letting a low, exhausted sigh leave his chest.

“Better,” he admitted, “I…I’m really sorry for everything back there. Sometimes I just…it j-just gets so…I…”

Kravitz put a hand on Taako’s arm, shifting Luka just a little so she didn’t get squished between her fathers, “Taako, my love, there’s nothing you need to apologise for. This is about what you need to feel well again. I’m always here for you, if that means in the room or, or just outside or holding you or whatever it means, I will do it. That’s part of loving you.”

Taako could feel the tears again but this time he didn’t fight them, he let them build in his eyes and spill over his cheeks. There was something soothing about them this time.

“And if…if this is just part of me…like, if it never goes away…” he chokes out, biting his lip.

Kravitz stands suddenly, though smoothly so as not to jostle the sleeping little half elf, “Then you will still be you. You will still be my husband. You’ll still be Luka’s daddy. And I’ll love you every bit as much as I do right now.”

Their kiss tasted of salt and Taako’s sobs broke through every time he gasped for air but they kept going, at least until it woke Luka and she tried to push her way into it, mushing her little face against theirs in her six month’s old idea of kissing, leaving both her dads snorting with laughter.

Taako had spent enough of his time alone, screaming into the static. But things were different now. _He_ was different.

Dreams couldn’t hurt him out here.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a ko-fi if you'd like to show your appreciation! Comments are also a great way to do that!


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